Biting Sarcasm: Vampire Humour
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"Where does Dracula get all his jokes? From a crypt writer!"It is said that laughter is the best medicine, and I for one, am a huge supporter of a healthy sense of humour. Especially dark, twisted humour is particularily a favourite of mine. Thus, here is a collection of vampire-themed jokes, quips, puns and so forth to suck the laughter right out of you. If you have any others to add, please feel free to contribute |
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Quick bites of humour
The following are taken from The Vampire Joke Book by Gordon Hill, 1991: Foulsham and Co. Ltd
What's red,
packed with strawberries, and bites people in the neck?
- a Jampire!
Why did Dracula
drive on the motorway?
- Someone
told him it was a main artery!
What's Dracula's
Favourite soup?
- Scream of
Tomato!
How do you
join the Dracula fan club?
- Send your
name, address, and a blood sample.
Mummy, mummy...what's
a vampire?
- Be quiet
and drink your blood before it clots.
Why did Dracula
go to the dentist?
- Fang Decay
Why did Dracula
telephone the undertaker?
- To ask for
a take-away meal
What do you
call a duck with fangs?
- Quackula!
Why is Dracula
boring?
- Because
he's a pain in the neck
What does Dracula
call a coffin?
- A snuff
box
What do you
get if you cross a vampire and a midget?
- A vampire
that bites you in the kneecaps
What's a vampire's
favourite kind of dog?
- A Bloodhound!
Patient: I
keep seeing vampires with fangs dripping blood.
Doctor: Have
you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient:
No, just vampires.
What's Dracula's
Favourite Song?
- Fangs for
the Memory
Why was Dracula
so unlucky in love?
- He always
loved in vein
What is Dracula's
Favourite breakfast?
- Ready-Neck
How would a
vampire manage with only one fang?
- He'd just
have to grin and bare it
What do you
call the referee in a Transylvanian cricket match?
- A Vumpire
How did Dracula
fall in love with his wife?
- It was love
at first bite
What do Dracula's
children play?
- Bat's cradle
What do you
call a foolish old vampire?
- Silly old
Sucker
What does Dracula
have halfway through the morning?
- A coffin
Break
What's a vampire's
favourite animal?
- A giraffe
What's a vampire's
favourite dance?
- The Vaults
Why are vampires
easily fooled?
- Because
they are born suckers
Why has the
most dangerous job in Transylvania?
- Dracula's
dentist
What's pink,
has a curly tail, and sucks blood?
- a hampire!
What do you
get if you cross a sheep with a vampire?
- Drac-ewe-la
What's a Spanish
vampire's favourite dance?
- The fangdango
What is Dracula's
favourite drink?
- A Bloody
Mary
What's a vampire's
favourite game?
- Batminton
What do vampires
cross the sea in?
- Blood vessels
What sort of
club would Dracula join?
- A blood
group
What has fangs
and drinks from the wrong side of the glass?
- a vampire
with hiccups
Would you rather
Dracula attacked you, or King Kong?
- I'd rather
Dracula attacked King Kong
What do you
call a stupid vampire?
- A silly
clot
What is a vampire's
favourite dessert?
- I scream
Why is a vampire
a good person to take out for meals?
- Because
he eats necks to nothing
Why did Dracula
become a vegetarian?
- He couldn't
bear stakes
Why did the
vampire become an actor?
- He wanted
a part he could sink his teeth into
How does Dracula
like his meat?
- In grave-y
What is Dracula's
favourite fruit?
- A Blood
orange
What do you
call a vampire duck?
- Count Duckula
Where does
Dracula get all his jokes?
- From a crypt
writer
Why is Dracula's
family crazy?
- They're
all bats
Where is Dracula's
American office?
- The Vampire
State Building
Why did the
vampire fall in love with his neighbour?
- Because
she was the ghoul necks door
What do you
call a short vampire?
- A pain in
the knee
What do polite
vampires say?
- Fang you
very much
What invitation
did Dracula give his girlfriend?
- Let's go
out for a bite
The following are taken from The Complete Book of Vampires by Leonard RN Ashley, 1998: Barricade books intnl.
What's Count
Dracula's Favourite holiday?
-Fangsgiving!
Where did they
put the vampire when he was arrested?
-In a Red
blood cell!
What does Dracula
say when he's ready for another victim?
-Necks!
What did the
vampire rob?
-A blood bank!
What is Dracula's
State of mind?
- He's batty!
Why can't Dracula
sleep at nights?
-His work
is draining!
The following were submitted by friends
Vampire + Werewolf = Fur coat that sticks to your
neck.
Vampire Error: /A/vert, /R/eflect, /I/mpale
Vampire Hunter D has Now Entered Vampire D's
Domicile.
Vampire Taxation System: Puts the bite on you
and sucks you dry!
Vampire bites Jesus! (ponder the ramifications...)
Vampire's are cool... They like suck blood and
stuff...
Vampires are a pain in the neck.
Vampires are always looking for their necks victim.
Vampires are blood relatives.
Vampires are creatures eclipsed by their own
darkness.
Vampires do it aaaaalllllll nniiiiiight
lllllooooooonnnnnggggg!
Vampires do it in the dead of night.
Vampires do it until dawn.
Vampires don't attack Lawyers. Professional
courtesy.
Vampires give *killer* hickeys.
Vampires have no life!
Vampires never have bad breath......Mr. Garlic.
Vampires suck!
Vampires with AIDS; the unknown vector.
Vampires: If you hung upsidedown all day
wouldn't you bite someone.
Vampyra to the shy little boy: "Don't worry,
I don't bite!
"Vampire is an odd name. Mind if we call
you Donna?
(note from Rose: sorry Bill, you know
I had to include
this last one somewhere on the internet, hehe)
Straight from the Vampire's Mouth (Quotes)
The following are taken from The Quotable vampire by David Proctor, 1997: Kensington Publishing Corp.
"You just keep harpin' and harpin'over the same
goddamn thing: 'Why'd you become a vampire? Why can't you be normal?
Oh Peter, does this mean we can never have children?'"
- Peter Loew to imaginary woman as he hallucinates
on the streets (Vampire's Kiss, 1988)
"We have lived in this country for three, four
generations. We're Americans -- Carpathian- Americans. We work
here, we live here, we pay taxes, we're entitled to the protection of the
law. I think it's time we came out of the damn coffin."
- Harry to his vampire family (Blood Ties,
1991)
"I don't drink...coffee."
- Dracula to Lucy (Dracula 2000, 2000)
"My family requires that I marry a wirgin...Are
you a wirgin?"
- Dracula to Safiria (Andy Warhol's Dracula,
1974)
"I'll get you, Buffy, and your little dog, too!"
- Amilyn, immitating the wicked witch of the
West (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1992)
"This blood's for you."
- Jeremy toasts Modoc (My Best Friend is a
vampire, 1988)
"Are you implying that Renfield and I are lovers?
...I am a man of many secrets, it's true, but humping a mental defective
isn't one of them. I'm a vampire; I suck human blood; I am not gay!"
- John Travolta as Dracula (Saturday Night
Live, March 2nd 1996)
"I buried myself for 100 years to get away from
you. Can't you take a hint?"
- Angelique to Vlad (Nightlife, 1989)